Black currant black tea this morning. I love black currants and when we visited Victoria, BC this summer, the tea shop there had a black currant scone that was absolutely lovely. But, when I came back to the U.S. and tried to find black currants to attempt the aforementioned scones it was nearly impossible. The reason, apparently, is that they are highly regulated.

Learn something new every day.

Speaking of learning something new; have you ever realized that you can create your own traumatic blockage? I’ve had to work through some rather significant disappointments with my writing over the last five years. During that time, I actually created such a writer’s block that I am still trying to dig myself out of it. I went to therapy because that’s what modern day society says I should do when faced with something significant… only to leave it a little more messed up than I went in.

See, I am of the grin and bear it generation. This does not mean that is the proper or healthy way to deal with things, but it is the way I have always utilized. Mask. Fake it until you make it. Smile even if a scream is building up behind the tilt of your lips.

Again, not promoting this methodology, just laying it out here because when I went to the therapist (or three), they gave me the opposite advice, all the while assuring me that my writer’s block, along with other mental bs, was normal and accepted. I need to be coaxed and nurtured. OF COURSE I was feeling lost and confused, I was dealing with TRAUMA.

My brain loved that approach. See, it said while whirling gleefully, we knew that it was all too much. See, it said as it peeked out from its support blanket, you have treated us badly… we have a reason for the depression, anxiety, and paralyzing writer’s block.

See!

And that is my brain. And I sat with that for quite some time until I realized that my brain was not gaining a foothold. I was not breaking any writer’s block by accepting and trying to give my inner child a hug… nope, it got worse.

And worse.

And worse.

Until I couldn’t even journal without a panic attack.

Because, see, those tendencies I mentioned.. to grin and get through it… those are foundational bedrocks of my person and when I tried to ignore those foundations, they started to crumble… which meant that the things that kept me putting one foot in front of the other crumbled as well.

Apparently, I stumbled across something known. We have foundational aspects of our personality, and we can work around them, and we can work with them, but we can’t work against them. We can acknowledge the inefficiency of those foundations, or the ridiculous nature of those foundations, but it takes something significantly more traumatic than rejection for them to change in any meaningful way.

As such, I’m back to pushing through, facing the bullshit, the fears, the paranoia, the little very LOUD voice telling me all sorts of negative things, because in this I am trained and I might as well take advantage of my training.

What about you, dear readers? What aspects of your person are marrow deep? Do you work with them; ignore them; love or fear them?

Let me know.

Until next time, I hope your tea is hot and flavorful and you get a moment to enjoy it.