Dun dun dun!

The End of Times.

Not actually. But from the picture, you might think otherwise. This was our sun for a lot of the summer as a fire grew and grew only 45 minutes away from our home. There was never any threat that we would get caught in the fire’s path, but the smoke and AQI from the fire impacted both our air and created the Armageddon sun. The End of Times is an interesting subject…

… that I might tackle later down the road. But today my thoughts circled around the idea of jealousy and envy, and how they seem to have a root cause in self-confidence.

BUT FIRST!

Tea.

Cuppa this morning is a bit different: a cinnamon-cardamom from Republic of Tea. I’ve been drinking this blend for a decade or so, and it is still one of my favorites for pure comfort. It is the cinnamon on top with the cardamom on the bottom that creates the coziest of effects on my taste buds.

So, cozy in hand, clouds outside, and tired brain and body from the nonstop last eight days, I delve into self-confidence.

For me, self-confidence is hard to come by. I used to have a great deal back when I was younger, but as I’ve aged and life has done its thing, I find my self-confidence is a precarious thing. Sometimes I face the obstacles in my life with the firm knowing that I can do what I need to do.

Some days… I do not.

And with my falling confidence, I’ve noticed a particular phenomenon: an increase in jealousy and envy. I tend to not be a naturally envious person—perhaps my ’tism brain helps with that—but if I am already questioning my contribution to something, or my level of effort in something, I’ve noticed that jealousy starts to creep in.

For instance, I am part of a search and rescue team. When I start to wonder if I am more of a liability than a help, I also start to notice when OTHER people are praised or even if there is a perception of someone else doing more, being more, and having more respect.

Now, because SAR is notoriously filled with former military and first responders, there is always a hierarchical jostling that takes place. Me, being not only a lifelong civilian (that sounds funny) but also not in any field that could be even remotely considered first responders (writer, ya know), in the beginning the hierarchical jostling was very hard for me to understand. Everyone was so loud about their accomplishments and abilities. And I am over here thinking, “well shit, I don’t have any of those things they are listing.”

Thankfully, over time I learned it is more about showing up than how many years you were with a fire department, and so a lot of that jostling pressure sort of faded.

Yet.

Yet I still find myself falling into that side-eye when I feel particularly bad about myself. Perhaps it is the perimenopause tanking my estrogen, or perhaps I had a bad review or a bad meeting… who knows what sets it off… but I look at a post on our shared group page, and suddenly I am feeling antsy, irritated, and… well, jealous.

Why are those people getting praised? We did the same thing and didn’t get the praise.

Or.

Why is that person being told they are the greatest ever? What about me?

That sounds selfish and childish when I write it out like that, which makes me a little ashamed to have those reactions; however, I also know those reactions are valid and normal.

Especially if one is struggling with their own self-confidence. It is easy to praise others when you are feeling good about yourself. A lot harder when you think you’re shit and then see others praising someone.

Hits differently.

This is actually a thing in psychology. Social comparison theory states that we gauge our self-worth by comparing ourselves to others, so when our confidence dips, those comparisons skew. Also, jealousy involves fear of losing something valued, so having low self-esteem heightens that fear because we doubt our own worthiness.

Oof.

So when you’re already down, our brains kick us in the stomach some more. That’s lovely.

Of course, there are self-help strategies that help with this phenomenon—how to reframe, or how to focus on small wins. I even read one time that we should start celebrating getting out of bed and taking a shower.

My brain never quite allowed myself to fall into those reframings. Get out of bed, really? Yeah. My brain can be an asshole.

What does help, for me at least, is distancing from the things that are causing the emotions. If I am feeling worthless because of Option B, well then Option B is no longer an option.

If scanning group chats, social media, or meetings causes me to feel like poop—

I stop. Yes, even the meetings.

Until, at least, my estrogen rises, or my small little wins start to make me feel like I am standing on my two feet rather than limping around with nothing.

And kindness. To one’s self. To myself.

That one is hard because, at least for me, I know I am being ridiculous. I know I am being illogical. That doesn’t change the fact I should be kind to myself and my trials.

Trials. That sounds so serious, but seriously said here: low self-esteem and lack of confidence can be VERY serious. Especially if it leads to all those fun negative things that make us question our very existence.

And yeah, sometimes that is the road we have to walk—but not always.

Remember, then, when you start to feel jealous or envious, or have a bad case of the FOMO, check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling about your own contribution, or status, or life in general.

Then be kind about what you find.

And if all else fails, turn off the computer, set down your phone, turn off the television, and sit quietly with a cuppa. Sometimes that is all the reset we need.